Waiting For the 6 Train

content warning: sensitive content including representation of anxiety, slight self-harm or excoriation disorder, expression of self-hatred

note: not intended to be played without sound, for there exist sound-only black screen scenes.

Waiting For the 6 Train is a personal experience about trying to get to an appointment when it is already past the scheduled time, featuring: pixel graphics, an unsettling storyline, and a mentally unhealthy character. The story takes place in a subway station in virtual New York, which is a direct replica of the real New York.

Art made by photos I took, as well as Pixel It.

All sounds inside this game are royalty-free sound effects, ambient sounds, and music.

Philosophy

Thinking about video games, one might assume they have to be fun to play, or at least be relaxing, or cathartic. But think of diaries. Not meant to be read or judged, diaries are just there as they are. I created this game for the same reason: I wanted to record a memory, an experience I had myself, as honestly as possible.

Anxiety is a real problem in many people’s lives. Occasional anxiety is normal and sometimes good for people, while anxiety disorder can cause intense and persistent worry and fear about things that is seemed to be natural for other people. Different types of anxiety disorders can be caused by a number of different factors: social pressures, lack of sleep or rest, and poor diet or exercise habits. Anxiety disorders have the power to destroy one’s life: it is difficult to control, may last a long time, and may sometimes cause danger.

A common belief is that procrastination stems from bad time management habits or skills. However, this often is not true. Procrastination can be linked to depression, anxiety, perfectionism, and a lot more. People procrastinate for a lot of reasons: being in need of control, feeling overwhelmed by huge tasks or fearing failure.

Instead of using the word “procrastination” to dump people into the vicious circle of self-blame, there are many other approaches we could take. Sigmund Freud was the first to coin death anxiety, or Thanatophobia: people delay their sleep because they are afraid of death. According to Dr. Piers Steel in their book The Procrastination Equation: How to Stop Putting Things Off and Start Getting Stuff Done, instead of laziness, procrastination equates to self-harm. With self-awareness that procrastination is going to lead to a negative consequence, one still persists no matter what. Maybe it is their choice to receive the negative consequences.

Another thought by Freud is death drive: the destructive instinct is “an original, self-subsisting disposition in man”. The death drive is usually outward, while in some cases the aggression is directed inward, resulting in self-harm or suicide. Although in Freud’s theory the death drive and the instinct to live can reach a balance, for some people at some point of time death drive may just take the turn to, for example, try to get rid of the pain. Before calling ourselves a loser, we could just step back and ask ourselves about what they are asking for. 

Sociocultural background

In a society that respects Confucianism - where I used to live - it is easy for one to grow up holding the fact that emotions are to be eliminated, let alone extreme emotions like an anxiety breakdown. People blame one for being not tough or strong enough if they have mental health issues. However, emotions and feelings are an important part of human nature that we cannot deny. Going through other people’s emotional experiences, we can learn to admit and respect our own thoughts.

On the other hand, it is impossible that one can deal with something if one is unwilling to look at it or learn about it. For the same reason, it is impossible for people to understand each other without communication. By communication I mean more than language, there are people who are bad at words, have difficulty speaking, or have language barriers. Now that it is widely accepted that music and paintings and such major types of arts are “languages” that people naturally understand without having to learn to play an instrument or draw themselves, we should learn how to “communicate” with video game languages as game designers. Without multiple people (or to say, without a listener), communication is not made. But it does not have to be deep: once it triggers a thought, an emotion, or even a period of blankness, I say it reaches its goal as communicative advice.